All Clean Everything

First of all, let me say, I'm alive. Yay. Let's all take a moment to rejoice in that fact.

Now that we've rejoiced sufficiently, let's talk about what's happened since last post.

First, I went to go register for my Alien Registration Card, or as you can tell from the helpful boldface type, my ARC. The ARC is the golden ticket in Korea, for with it, you gain access to that magical chocolate factory we call the internet. Before you ask, yes, I am indeed using the internet now to post these blogs. However, I am doing all of my posting and general interneting from within the confines of a coffee shop, and while it is a lovely and extremely comfortable coffee shop, it is not as awesome as doing all of my interneting from the confines of my home. In my home, I can lay around in my pajamas and check my email. Here I have to get dressed. Not because of a law, but more for my own decency and peace of mind. 

There are other limitations too, but I think you get the gist, yeah? Of course you do. Getting your ARC doesn't really take that long, though I should point out that I have no clue what you have to do. You see, with me, as I was applying for my ARC was a native Korean. His name is Dubeom, and he works for the school I work for. They sent him with me. He handled all the paperwork for myself and two other teachers. We were done in thirty minutes. What exactly did I sign and get fingerprinted for? I don't know. Slavery? Maybe. All I know is if that was signing my freedoms away, it was quick and painless. 

Expat Negro Tip: Find someone who speaks and reads Korean. Take that person with you to get your ARC. You will have no clue what you signed, but it will be over far quicker. However, ensure that the person you choose to assist you isn't a slaver. 

That's the best advice I have to offer on that. Sorry kids. I've heard the horror stories of applying for the ARC in smaller cities, but here in Taejeon, it was relatively painless and quick. But again, that was because of Dubeom. So thank you, Dubeom.

Remember how I was talking about saving money? Yeah? Well, now let's talk about the money you'll have to spend eventually. I want to start off by saying that this is my own experience, but I think maybe you can use it to get an estimate. At the very least, you can use it to realize what you shouldn't do, and then act accordingly. 

When I first arrived in town, I inquired as to where I could find groceries, cleaning supplies, appliances, etc. and I was told one word.

Homeplus.

If you have not heard about the magical land that is Homeplus, please allow me to elaborate. Homeplus IS MAGIC. Imagine, if you will, a world where not only is everything you desire in one location, but is conveniently separated for you into categories that don't make sense to you initially. Now imagaine, after a few moments, you realize that these things are not separated into categories based on the items. No, the items are categorized according to your OWN personal needs for them as they arise. 

Say you want to clean an apartment. First you might wander aimlessly by vacuum cleaners. You'll notice an array of smaller vacuum cleaners, then next to those, the larger more powerful vacuum cleaners. As you continue, you'll find that you're no longer in appliances, but now you have stepped into the world of children's toys. Not because there are no other items to clean with, but simply because you clearly need a distraction from the task at hand. 

After you look at and compare the toys that are offered to Korean children to those that you remember from America, you'll find yourself inexplicably in the art supplies aisle. The next aisle over is school supplies and notebooks. This is GENIUS. If I had a child, I could take him to toys, and then casually walk him over to school supplies. It blends so beautifully from toys (FUN!!) to art supplies (still kind of fun...) to school supplies (...wait, what happened to the fun?) that it caught even me by surprise.

As you admire the transition, you find yourself right back into items for the home, and lo and behold, some more of those instruments of cleanliness that you were first seeking. Before you ask, yes, Homeplus knows what you want BEFORE you even knew that you wanted it. I didn't KNOW that I wanted to look at toys and art supplies before I looked at all of my cleaning options, but Homeplus knew and that's why they organized it that way.

(Side note: I think Korean toys are cooler than American toys. I say I think because I don't understand what any of them do. But they totally look cooler.)

Anyway, now that I'm done dripping sarcasm, at Homeplus, you can find a Scotchbrite sweeper, a floor squeegee and brush (which will come in handy for the bathroom) sponges, a microfiber cleaning glove, toilet cleaner (the chemical water blue kind), multipurpose cleaner, a new food catch for your sink, (it's a giant metal basket. Trust me. Buy a new one) Windex, paper towels, dish detergent, and washing machine cleaner for about (this is an estimate)  70,000 won (64.73 USD).

If you're like me, that's pretty much all you really need to live the clean life you may be accustomed to. The only thing missing from that list is a mini vacuum cleaner (a dustbuster with attachments). You may or may not need that item, depending on your apartment, but if you have any carpet anywhere in your new (ahem previously lived in by people you don't know at all) place, you'll probably want it. It was on sale for about (give or take 2,000 won) 30,000 won (27.65 usd).  The normal price was somewhere north of 50,000 won (46.21 usd). I can't speak on how effective any of the models are, though I've heard they're very good for two to three years from a long time expat that teaches at my school.

The squeegee and brush: most Korean bathrooms do not have a separate shower. Somewhere in the bathroom there is a drain. When you shower, you stand on the bathroom floor. The water runs off of you into the drain. In some cases, you may also have a washing machine which uses the same drain. After you shower, you will probably want to go back into the bathroom. But it'll be wet. The solution to this is purchase a squeegee and after each shower, squeegee the floor. It'll dry quicker, and you'll be able to gain access to your bathroom without having to dry your feet afterwards. The brush part of that squeegee for when you scrub the bathroom down. It's extremely effective, and makes you feel way better about using the shower after you squeegee and realize how much dust and dirt there is on that floor. 

Expat Negro Tip: Clean everything. 

It Takes Different Strokes

Every time you go some place new, you generally discover that there are things done differently than where you're from, no matter how far or close to home you may be. For instance, where I'm from in Huntsville, I can travel 100 miles and be amazed at how my concept of roads differs from the concepts in action in Jefferson county. (Seriously, the roads there are barely roads by my definition. Or any definition)

While that's a pretty judgmental comparison, things generally aren't better or worse between the two places, they're just (say it with me) different. So here are some differences I've seen so far between the US (my home country) and the country I'm currently expatriating in, South Korea.

The first thing that stood out to me was the public restrooms. Let me start by saying that public restrooms in the US range from pretty good to downright disgusting. Korean restrooms have that same spectrum. I've seen some that made me feel comfortable, and others that seemed to be a portal directly into the depths of Hades. However, I think that's about where the similarities stop and the differences begin. 

I still remember my first trip to Seoul. I was excited and in love with this shiny new city. It was adorable really. Everywhere I went, I was wide-eyed and gleeful and myself and all of my friends (also new to Seoul) all declared our love for this amazing city. Then I went into a restroom. First thing I noticed: most restrooms here are not climate controlled. At all. If it's winter, that skimpy plastic seat will feel like the cold touch of death on your posterior. It's almost nightmarish.

The second thing I noticed is that in some places, there is a hole in the ground where the toilet ought to be. My first reaction was, "Oh this toilet must be out for repair". After finding a proper toilet, handling business and telling my expat friend about this, he laughed and informed me that the hole was the toilet. 

What you talking bout Willis?

That is called a squat hole. I haven't used one yet and being extremely Western, I simply refuse to. But in Eastern countries the squat hole is far more common than a toilet, a sentiment which both terrifies me for future travels and concerns me that the Western countries will eventually fall to an Eastern country and as punishment for our arrogance, squat holes replace all the toilets. Okay, that's not a realistic concern, but somehow that's what my pathetic imagination turns to. 

Another fun note, in Korea, flushing toilet paper is pretty much frowned upon. Instead of flushing it, in most restrooms you'll find a small wastebasket beside each toilet. Where (wait for it...) you place your used toilet paper. I haven't seen this in full effect in summer, but I can only imagine how crazy weird that must get.

Okay, last restroom related difference. In the US, there is a nice clean liquid soap dispenser with a button you press and out comes a proper portion of soap. That exists in some areas of Korea. In other areas, there is a thin metal bar which swings between the two sinks. At the end of that thin metal bar, there is a ball of soap. You wet your hands and you touch the soap that possibly thousands before you have touched. Again, this is my Western sensibilities speaking but...come on. 

Okay enough bathroom related differences. The other night I walked over to Dasarano's Chicken and Pizza. First let me say, this is some really good chicken. Like, really good chicken. Koreans do chicken extremely well. I order and I get a giant platter of what looks like delicious bite-sized chicken. I like delicious bite-sized chicken and I'm REALLY hungry, so I bite into a piece. It's a spine. No meat attached, just the spine. At first, I'm kind of puzzled. How do you mistake a spine for meat? But I'm a trooper, especially when it comes to chicken and in the spine's defense, the batter and sauce that cover it IS delicious. I toss it to the side and grab another piece. It's meat. I am more than thrilled. I take a finishing bite and I discover a piece of what feels like a rib. At this point, I'm borderline angry. Who deboned this? I don't care if it was a factory full of innocent young orphan slaves, in my mind, they deserve to be flogged for such shoddy workmanship. I spit out the rib and cautiously bite into the next piece. More bones. Now I'm starting realize: the words bite-sized in America means boneless. The words bite sized in Korea means bite-sized. My plate contains an entire chicken that has been mercilessly chopped down to smaller pieces, battered, deep fried and covered in spicy sweet sauce. 

Once I came to the realization that each of my pieces of chicken would have bones, I was unstoppable. I plowed through half of the platter with the aplomb of a man who's been eating chicken for years, though I have to admit, the thought of choking on a chicken bone did slow down my progress somewhat.

Another small difference is the electricity not having a ground prong on the outlets here. My laptop has a largely metal case. Normally, it's grounded so the case doesn't store excess amounts of electricity. Here, there is no ground wire, so my charger isn't grounded. Which means my entire loft has turned into a hot bed for static electricity. I'm sure there's a Expat Negro Tip in there somewhere.

Expat Negro Tip: Look for adapters that properly accommodate a three-pronged plug. They exist, though they may be hard to find. Otherwise, you'll be just be walking generator of low-level electricity.

There's other differences, and truthfully, I could go on and on about them but the main point I feel like I should make is that different doesn't mean where I'm from is better, just means I've been conditioned to expect things to be one way, and now I'm realizing my way isn't the only way. And that, ladies and gentleman, is how you open your mind with new experiences.

Long Live Kimbap!

This week in the Expat Negro Chronicles:

Surviving til the First Paycheck!

In some cases, you will have to work and survive for a month or so before you will receive your first paycheck. That sounds pretty crazy, but with a little budgeting and a whole lot of kimchi, you can pull it off. 

Let me introduce you to kimbap:

I know what you're thinking: 

Uh...that's sushi.

But it's not. It's kimbap. Rice (bap) rolled in seaweed (gim or kim if you're pronouncing it correctly) with other vegetables and sometimes, if you're fortunate, meat.  It's quite possibly the ambrosia of the expats because it's palatable and it's cheap. I mean it's REALLY cheap. I'm talking I feel like a horrible human being when I walk into a restaurant and order only that cheap. The reason for that feeling is that most kimbap restaurants also offer unlimited side dishes. Which means you get a roll for 2,500 won (2.32 usd) and you fill up on kimchi and whatever other strange concoctions happen to be the sides for the day. Two days ago, I had what I would swear was hot dog chopped up, pan fried and covered in a spicy yet sweet sauce. Yesterday, I had some sort of battered pan fried crab meat. Along with the prerequisite cabbage kimchi, you'll get bean sprouts, mushrooms or whatever other non-starchy vegetable/red pepper combination exists in the lexicon that is Korean traditional food. There's usually four side dishes, and there are pans of them in the front of the restaurant. Don't be shy. This is survival. Fill. Up.

Expat Negro Tip: The sides are unlimited and free. Here's where you get to be tasteless and American for once and not feel guilty.

The first kimbap joint I went to had their five year old daughter waiting tables (bringing water and cups to the new customers) and for a moment I felt terrible because my voracious appetite would probably be the reason her family had to send her to bed hungry that night. Then I remembered they ran a restaurant. Surely she ate as much kimbap and sides as I did, if not more, every night and went to bed happy. Either way, I drowned my feelings in kimchi and left happy.

Kimbap is also a good food for people who are trying to avoid the spicier fare that Korean food offers. Another good dish to eat that isn't very spicy is the bibimbap. Bibimbap is simply vegetables, rice, and meat in one bowl which comes with pepper paste on the side, and while the owner of the restaurant will just about insist that you use the pepper paste (I've even had one slosh it on for me) you can be just as adamant that you don't want it. Everything else, I've realized can be measured in how red it appears. 

Expat Negro Tip: The redder the food looks, the more likely it is to BURN you.

And when I say burn, well...not to be graphic, but you're gonna feel it LONG after you leave the restaurant if you get my drift. Basically, brown is pretty safe, then you got the light brown which is starting off dangerous, and the color chart progresses up to "Oh my God, what did I JUST put into my mouth!!" red. Not to be overlooked is the clear watery soup with only ONE type of vegetable in it (either seaweed or bean sprout) which has been doused in pepper but still looks safe. I made the mistake of taking a huge gulp of it without tasting it. That one gulp will left me gasping for air as if Darth Vader had suddenly found my lack of faith appalling.

There's other food here that's far more Americanized, but depending on your level of "foodie", you may or may not appreciate the Korean take on the dishes Americans stole from other countries, though I did have two solid "New York style" pizzas, and a few uh...normal style (?) pizzas. Just as a heads up, the sauce focuses far more on the sweetness of tomatoes and unless you get really salty toppings, it's not going to NOT be weird. But it's palatable. 

Pricewise, mind your P's and Q's when it comes to anything Americanized, you can end up paying way more than it's worth. I managed to score an 18 inch pizza for 12,500 won (11.59 USD) which I then subsequently ate for three meals. 

No worries, though, you can make it, just remember:

Expat Negro Tip:  let the accountant in you plan your meals, not your stomach and you'll be fine.

Last thing:

The convenience stores here have kimbap triangles for about 700 won (0.65 USD). Two of those and a bottle of water will run you about 2600 won which is for those keeping score at home A) 2.41 USD and B) about three hours of a full stomach if you're pinched for time. Otherwise, press forward to a legitimate kimbap store and grub properly.

How do you say Tauntaun in Korean?

For everyone keeping score, I finished training, had a medical exam, and have moved to my school's city (Daejeon).  End of post. Go away.



Kidding. So training was...intense? Crazy? Exciting? Nerve wracking? Amazing? Maybe a bit of all of the above. It was all of the above because we had a LOT of information to absorb in a really short period of time. But I passed (amazingly) and straight to the bus I went. Remember when I was talking about how your luggage should be something you'd be willing to carry long distances?

Expat Negro Tip: Be prepared to walk/carry luggage long distances. 

That? Well, the luggage thing came back with a vengeance. And not in the cool Patrick Swayze loves Demi Moore so much that death isn't enough to keep him away kind of way. I'm talking crying in the dark about all the people that died in the last hour and half kind of vengeance. 100+ pounds of luggage is dumb. Matter of fact:

Expat Negro Tip: 100+ lbs of luggage IS DUMB! Like...real dumb.

I'm a big dude in some kind of shape. I'm not to the most athletic or even the most fit of anyone I know. But I do okay. I lift weights in a gym. I run. I own health supplements. I have never had a gut check like carrying a 70 pound army rupsack on my back, with a 50 pound suitcase and a 30 pound garment bag in each hand through the bus terminal. Sounds bad right? Oh don't worry. It was. To make matters worse, my non English speaking taxi driver was running through the terminal at breakneck speeds.

Expat Negro Tip: Koreans run everywhere, oftentimes for no reason whatsoever.

Seriously. Imagine a country where the floors are heated, where every place that makes food will deliver for no extra charge, and where escalators are so plentiful that it's borderline ridiculous. Now imagine the people in that country. They should all just be obese sacks of fat right? Wrong. Koreans have all of these things but are remarkably thin. Some of it is an obsession with weight. I think the other part really is because they believe in hustle. Fast walking, jogging across streets, sprinting to catch subways, jogging up to a counter to get coffee...Koreans have stuff to do apparently. (the jogging up to the counter to get coffee is actually made up before you ask)

Either way, I lost my tablet, I'll update on whether or not that gets turned into the lost and found. All the expats I talked to told me that was a real thing.

Expat Negro Tip: If you lose things (in Korea), check the lost and found. You might actually find what you lost.

Okay, the tauntaun reference at the beginning probably has you wondering what's going on. Well here it is: the story you're all dying to hear.

I finally get to my apartment, and I'll admit I was pretty excited. I have a loft bed complete with steps leading up to it, a good amount of space, a front loading washer, and pretty remarkable bathroom. Score one for me, right? So we go out to get dinner with the head instructor of my school, and I turned everything in the apartment off.

Expat Negro Tip: Don't turn off stuff with LED readouts. Just don't.

I get back to the apartment, it was still there, and kinda warm, I unpacked some stuff, ran to the HomePlus (which is amazing, but that's another post for another time) and decided to call it a night. I woke up at three in the morning shivering like Luke on Hoth, pre-Tauntaun. I had turned off my heater without realizing I had. It was -10 C outside. Frightful. The fire inside was non-existent. Not delightful.

To explain: The heating in my apartment is radiant. Which means that the floor is heated and all the heat from the floor rises. In theory, that's AWESOME. It's pretty efficient, cost effective (as long as you don't crank it up over 20 C) and your floors are heated. That's pretty luxurious right? But if you turn your heat off, and it gets cold, it takes a while for it to heat back up. Which is how the night of extreme cold went into full effect. I ended up sleeping in a thick hoodie, a wool coat, socks and shoes. Still shivering. It was...unpleasant. I finally broke down and texted a picture of what I assumed was the thermostat with the word help to an expat friend who's currently in Seoul. He sent back an explanation. I opened the blinds and let the sun help and now my apartment is a nice 21 C. Win.

At least until I get my first utility bill...

Expat Negro Tip: The utility bill cometh.

Day One

After one of the most hectic weeks of my life, I'm finally here in Korea, specifically in Seoul. Here's an awesome expat tip for you:

Expat Negro Tip

Everyone you've ever known will want to see you before you leave. Prioritize people and schedule your time or you'll end up with nothing accomplished.

I got to see almost everyone who's been important in my life (save one extremely busy doctor of psychology) and I manged to do it in about two weeks time. I also managed to get my visa paperwork turned in, get all of the stuff I didn't want gone (I sold my XBox360 for $30. You read that right kids) and the stuff I wanted packed. I learned some interesting stuff. What's that? Am I going to share it? Course I am.

One thing I definitely learned is when you're packing, be sure to pack like you'll have to carry it. I say that because the odds are that you will have to carry your luggage. And I'm talking long haul here. Getting into the city from Incheon isn't easy, and unless you want to drop $100 on a cab, I suggest you have luggage you can transport through either a subway, or at the very least from a bus to where you're staying. I have about 150 lbs of luggage, maybe more, and I pack horsed it through the airport, and into the hotel. Fortunately the hotel staff tried to help, but in the battle of 120 pound bellhop versus the seventy pound army surplus duffel bag, the duffel bag wins. Side note: have you ever seen a small guy attempt to manhandle a heavy duffel bag? No? You really should. It was the highlight of my night.

Even though the taxi drivers speak some English, there's a gap in communication, caused mainly by accents. Namely, my American accent is confusing. Which makes sense because it is.

Last thing, you can beat jet lag. I've managed it both trips to Seoul. The way I've done it isn't pleasant but it's doable.  Do not sleep on the plane ride over. Do anything else. Watch movies, listen to music, stand in line for the bathroom when you get sleepy, anything, but do not sleep on the ride over. When you touch down, it's probably not going to be bedtime. You'll have to stay up a bit until it is, and the only way you'll sleep at the time you should is by literally exhausting yourself, i.e. don't sleep on the plane. Then when it's time for sleep, you will and your body will wake up the next morning feeling like a champion. Or hungover. Either or.

I'm out.